Monday, May 7, 2012 12:09 AM
2/10
I'm not a shallow person.
But every time I stop to myself and I think, it occurs to me that even if I'm not a shallow person, or if I don't think I'm shallow, it doesn't mean the rest of the world is. There are some girls that would say, "Beauty inside counts" "I'm not pretty but as long as I'm healthy its fine" "I'm not as beautiful as them but my confidence outshines the rest of the beautiful girls".
I'm not afraid to say that I'm not one of those girls who would say that. Because I'm scared that people would judge me on my first impression and label me as ugly. And then for the rest of their lives, that's all I'll ever be to them. Does that make me shallow? Or selfish for that fact? The only thing that comes across my mind when I think about this is 'Conscious'. The way I act, the way I dress, the way my hair is, it's all because I want to make the first grand impression on someone. I try so hard to be pretty, sometimes it makes me wonder, is it even worth it? Is it even doing any difference?
The thing is. I'm not pretty. Compared to everyone I meet, they're all up there and I'm just down below somewhere. And it's not like I mind. But when I stop and I think to myself, it occurs to me that nothing I ever do to try and make myself look good will ever compare to them.
Is it really that bad that I don't consider myself to be pretty at all? Or beautiful or whatever connotations that people like to use? I look at myself in the mirror more than anyone has ever looked at my face, and straight away I can spot flaws. My face is too big, and my eyes aren't symmetrical. My nose is flat and my teeth aren't even straight. My hair doesn't fall correctly and my forehead is so big. I don't look good with a fringe and I don't look good without one. I don't look good with any eye shape that I try and fix. My body is disproportioned. And I'm too overweight for someone my age and height.
And all of these reasons, and for reasons that my brain can't think of right now, is what makes me hate myself. I want a different body. I want a different face. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be pretty. If I was pretty, I would stop hating myself, or lying to myself, or facing the mirror everyday expecting a change of face. I don't want to live the rest of my life being ugly.
Does that make me selfish? I want to be called pretty and all those other words used to describe pretty people. I want someone to come up and tell me that I'm beautiful and make me believe it. I want people to say, "She's so pretty" and mean it. I don't even ask for much. I don't even ask to be beautiful or look like a Victorias Secret angel. I just want to be pretty.
No one will understand.
I hate being the ugly girl in my group of friends.
Does that make me shallow?
Labels: personal, rant
