Saturday, June 5, 2010 3:53 PM
I miss you. I never realised how much I will miss you until you were actually gone.
Today marks the 31st month and 2nd day ever since you left this world. I think about you all the time and always wonder what life could've been like if you were still in this world. Even though it's nearly 3 years since you're gone, I can't believe this is true. I remember when I you used to help me shower as a kid, growing up, you taught me life's values and I always imagined you watching me get married. At school, when I'm at my toughest, when I can't take it anymore, you're the first one I wish to be with. The image of your face comes to me everyday, then I miss the memories and the food you made, and the fact that I would never taste the love in it makes me cry.
You were the first one to teach me life's values. Growing up as a kid, having sudden cravings, you knew all of them. I remember when I had such a painful stomach ache. The first pill I ate was from you. You were so worried that you told me to eat it, then carefully put me into bed and slept with me the whole night. I was so stupid you know. I never knew that those sounds you made, the sounds of your breathing, were irregular. I never knew that they were because of your lungs dying. I suspected it, but as a child, what did I know? Who would believe me? There were times when you went out of your way to make things for me, and even the slightest complaint, you would act upon it. I didn't like the ears on a stuffed toy because they were stuck together, and you spent your night mending it properly for me.
I never knew how much of a good person you were until you had left. My mum told me that you were respected by everyone. If she were to argue with you, Dad would divorce her straight away. Did you ever understand why? Your husband passed away in 1995, but you didn't cry in front of your children. At night, you hid in the room and would rather cry alone than to cry with them. Never have you dropped a tear in front of us because you were strong. You picked up the family and carried this burden for 12 years. No complaint came out of your mouth, not even one single small one. Do you understand now why people admire you? Normally, when a girl marries and takes on a new surname, in Chinese Tradition, she does not have any business with her real family anymore. But you, you Grandmother, you didn't care. You let your daughter-in-laws visit their family and let them do whatever they want. Because you were a great person.
We've never had a family argument for 20 years. I'm sure you already knew, but Big Aunty and Second Aunty were fighting for over those 20 years. They never had anything to do with each other, and hated each other. But you know what Grandmother? You know what they did? Before you passed away, at the hospital, Smallest Aunty grabbed their hands, placed it on top of yours, and made them promise that they will never ever fight again. Did you feel that Grandmother? They're not fighting now because of you. Even when you were unconscious, you were a hero. I remember when I visited the hospital, you scribbled out Chinese characters on a sheet of paper. Even moving your hand was agonizing, and if I was put in your position, I would've asked for water, or if I was doing well. But you know what you wrote? You wrote the words Family. Even when you were dying, you wanted to know about how we were doing. You put us before you.
There was one day, when you had nearly not made it, you woke up and we got to see you. The adults told us not to cry, because you don't like to see us crying. As I walked closer to you and saw your face, I tried my hardest not to cry. But it was painful to see you, cords all around, looking at me with happiness. You tried to be happy because you didn't want us to cry. After a few seconds, I went to the back corner and I cried Grandmother. I cried so much because I knew you were in so much pain but yet you showed none of that in your expression.
31 months and 2 days ago, I saw the heart monitor drop to 0. All of us knelt down, crying like no tomorrow. Do you know how hard it was? That 31 months and 2 days ago I felt the most burning pain in my life? But I'm happy too. Because I know you're in a better place right now. Even though there might be no heaven, there will be no pain and suffering that you've gone through.
Yes, you moving on was the worst pain in my life. But after this, our family used it to get stronger. Yes, we have lost our hero, our in sight to life, but we've gained closeness to cousins, to family, just like what you've always wanted.
Grandmother...the toy is starting to break again...can you mend it for me? The stuffing is coming out of it's head. Can you sew it back again? Grandmother, I'm suffering from Anorexia, can you cook for me? The food I like? Grandmother, I need a shoulder to lean on...Where are you?
I'll never know the reason why they took you away. I probably won't ever find out. But there's one thing I know for sure. No matter how happy the Ly family may seem, there will always be 2 gaps.
One for Grandfather, the man who never owned anyone anything. My dad told me that our Grandfather had a saviour. When he came to Australia, there was a boss that was in charge of their boat. He was meant to get money off my Grandfather, but instead took him in for free, and told him he could pay later. The first thing Grandfather did when he got to Australia was to pay back the debt he owed. Later on, when people asked him why, why didn't he just take time to pay the man back?...He answered, I don't like myself owing other people something. It feels like I'm using them.
And one for you, the greatest woman on Earth. Taking care and raising up her children and her grand children. Your values taught me great things. 12 years of suffering after Grandfather died, not once did you complain, not a single bad word came out of your mouth. I remember I asked you before, doesn't it feel lonely having no one? Don't you feel sad sometimes? You answered, Yes it feels sad and lonely having no husband to take care of me, but in the end I look around me and I see my children and my lovely grandchildren, then it all fades away.
And yes, grandmother, it does feel sad and lonely losing someone you love so much. I now know from experience that it does hurt. But I was lucky enough to live 11 years of my life with the greatest role model in the world.
I still think about you everyday, and I will for the rest of my life. I will cry, I will laugh. And at the end, I'm grateful I had you to look after me and to care for me, and that I was lucky enough to have such a loving grandparent.
You're gone now. There's no way to bring you back. And I know you wouldn't want me to cry, but it does hurt to know you're not coming back. It's really hard to accept the fact you're gone forever. And although you've vanished from the world, there will be a spot in my heart labelled "Grandmother".
But there are holes in the floor of Heaven,
And your tears are pouring down.
That's how I know you're watching,
Wishing you could be here now.
R.I.P 03.11.2007
I miss you. Labels: family, life, love, lyrics, me, sad
